Growing Up Dad

I am trying to take everything now one day at a time. It's hard. My biggest failure, I think, is that I feel like am not doing enough. I overwhelm myself with all these external tasks, and don't take time for myself. The best way for me to recharge is to just be alone. We, or I, tried to talked last night, and she said that she didn't want to talk about it. I realized, that I really didn't want to either. I've said my peace. Now she needs to come to me when she's ready. What I want is my friend back? My companion. My partner. And then I realized, she is here and I am pushing her away. It's just really hard to not obsess about it. I become fixated on one thing (wonder where my son gets it), and have a hard time letting it go. I need to stop that. So now, my new mantra is one day at a time. Some days may be good. Some may be bad. But, I need to give us both space away from this. To let her truly know that I am alright. For her not to feel that she is being...

I need to get off my duff. It's probably my worst trait. I start getting motivated I get going on a project. I get part way through it, aaaaand... I stop. My momentum gets derailed. There are a number of reason why I stop, but once I stop I find it difficult to get the motivation going again. The project atrophies, and eventually becomes a dusty trophy on the "look what you didn't do with your life" shelf.   I need to stop this. I need some sort of inspiration, or motivational project. I am thinking of coming up with a personal design challenge. Something that says "Do something, Silly." Now lately, I have been tired and trying to take care of my emotional well-being, but I am at a point where I need to start doing something with my life again. Something that will make a difference. If not to the world, then to my family. They need a happy daddy, and a happy daddy is a creative daddy. So I have a list of things that I want to do: Take some time onc...

I've made it my goal this week to put everything in the past and to give everyone, including myself, a clean slate. I'm trying not to talk about things that are in the past as much. Instead I am focusing on what is happening to me right now. I am trying to remember that there is goodness all around me, that I am fortunate to have what I have been given, and that I can decide the course of my own happiness. Part of that is being there for my companion. I know when she's upset. I know when things are bothering her. I know when she's stressed out, and right now she needs normalcy. At the same time, I want her to know that she can talk to me whenever anything is bothering her, and I do mean anything. We can only get through our problems if we work with each other instead of against of each other, which I think I am guilty of doing. So hopefully, we can give each other the space, the time, and the clean slates that we both need. I know we can, and we are stronger for i...

I feel awesome. I feel rested, secure, focused, calm, and I host of other things. I am not sure if it's the new meds, the sleep, the vacation, or the fact that I feel like I am where I need to be. I am even feel excited about my job, which I haven't really since I started. The point is that I feel good today, and I really want to keep this feeling going. I know that not every day will be like today, but it's great to not feel anxious. I really feel relaxed, and overjoyed. I've also learned a lot about myself. I am a lot stronger than I think I am, and I need to take care of myself. I've just been accustomed to taking care of others first, and push my own needs away. This has caused a problem in my relationships because my not taking care of myself turned into excessive neediness and anxiety, which in turn has been a strain on my relationship. Especially with my wife. I really can't be mad anymore, or sad, or hurt. In fact, for now... I am not any of thes...

Where flying home today. I can't wait to get home and hug my boys. I miss them terribly. I guess that's what's getting me a little down today. Missing my boys. I'm also struggling with this new medication and my brain begins to adjust to the new chemicals. It's hard because I can't say exactly why I am sad. It's a multitude of reasons, and yet there is no reason at all. I'm emotionally wiped out, but nothing bad happened to cause that. In fact, quite the contrary. We had a wonderful day yesterday. We walked, saw a play, had dinner, had drinks, snuggled, and played. I think I am just wiped out from the excursion that I want to just coast on auto pilot. Once I get on the plane, I think I am going to close my eyes. Give my brain a little rest. Who knows, maybe I'll get a little close to my wife and rest my head on her shoulder. I am sure she will hate that, but it'll be comforting to just feel the warmth of being as I doze off. It tends to be ...

It's weird. I have only been on this medication for a couple of days. I think I am doing a bit better on one than the other. Boston is nice, I am actually quite relaxed. I feel much more emotionally centered and not so clingy, which is good, and I am able to enjoy it more. Some things have been said, and though they hurt I know they were not meant to. I feel really good. She is worried that I am depressed, but I think it's just that I am relaxed and maybe a little ... emotionally numb? It's like I am here in the present, and can see things for what they are. I kinda miss my everyday jovial self, but since that self has been hidden away I think it could use some time off to just let go and enjoy. Incidents of the past are clearer now. I am okay with where things are going, it's just that I feel a little numbness. I guess that's okay. I mean, I need the pedulum to reach equilibrium for a little while before it starts swinging again. Either way, I feel ... good...

I'll have some time by myself. I'll have some time alone with her. Most of all, I'll have some time to relax. I am looking forward to it.

I'm going to go out with a friend from work. What I really want to do is come home and cry. I really don't know why I am so sad right now. Maybe it's just residual depression. I am seeing a doctor this Wednesday, and may be put on meds. I'm just tired. I just wanna collapse in her arms, and her say this will never happen again. Just to hear her say "You're too important to me to hurt you again. I promise that I will make it up to you." I'm sure she's trying to tell me in her own way. I just wish I could shake this depression. I will someday. I do have Boston to look forward to after all.

She is. I can't help. I can't deny it. I can't make it go away. I can either be happy with her, or I can be miserable without her. I am better with her then I am without her. It doesn't matter what happens. That was the past. It would be no different than her life before me. It's hard, but it will get better.