Ohana

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Time to move on

I want this to be the last day of hurt. From now on, I look forward to a bright and happy future. I want to... no... I have to be willing to move on. I have to remember that we are stronger when we are together then when we are apart. I have to put my hurt aside not just for her, but for me. Dwelling on pain does not help. She wants to move on. So do I. This will just be a brief hiccup in our relationship, but we can make it stronger. To anybody who reads this, I love you.
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Just am

It's weird. I have only been on this medication for a couple of days. I think I am doing a bit better on one than the other. Boston is nice, I am actually quite relaxed. I feel much more emotionally centered and not so clingy, which is good, and I am able to enjoy it more. Some things have been said, and though they hurt I know they were not meant to. I feel really good. She is worried that I am depressed, but I think it's just that I am relaxed and maybe a little ... emotionally numb? It's like I am here in the present, and can see things for what they are. I kinda miss my everyday jovial self, but since that self has been hidden away I think it could use some time off to just let go and enjoy. Incidents of the past are clearer now. I am okay with where things are going, it's just that I feel a little numbness. I guess that's okay. I mean, I need the pedulum to reach equilibrium for a little while before it starts swinging again. Either way, I feel ... good...
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today's double post

I'm going to go out with a friend from work. What I really want to do is come home and cry. I really don't know why I am so sad right now. Maybe it's just residual depression. I am seeing a doctor this Wednesday, and may be put on meds. I'm just tired. I just wanna collapse in her arms, and her say this will never happen again. Just to hear her say "You're too important to me to hurt you again. I promise that I will make it up to you." I'm sure she's trying to tell me in her own way. I just wish I could shake this depression. I will someday. I do have Boston to look forward to after all.
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