Ohana

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Just am

It's weird. I have only been on this medication for a couple of days. I think I am doing a bit better on one than the other. Boston is nice, I am actually quite relaxed. I feel much more emotionally centered and not so clingy, which is good, and I am able to enjoy it more. Some things have been said, and though they hurt I know they were not meant to. I feel really good. She is worried that I am depressed, but I think it's just that I am relaxed and maybe a little ... emotionally numb? It's like I am here in the present, and can see things for what they are. I kinda miss my everyday jovial self, but since that self has been hidden away I think it could use some time off to just let go and enjoy. Incidents of the past are clearer now. I am okay with where things are going, it's just that I feel a little numbness. I guess that's okay. I mean, I need the pedulum to reach equilibrium for a little while before it starts swinging again. Either way, I feel ... good...
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One day at a time

I am trying to take everything now one day at a time. It's hard. My biggest failure, I think, is that I feel like am not doing enough. I overwhelm myself with all these external tasks, and don't take time for myself. The best way for me to recharge is to just be alone. We, or I, tried to talked last night, and she said that she didn't want to talk about it. I realized, that I really didn't want to either. I've said my peace. Now she needs to come to me when she's ready. What I want is my friend back? My companion. My partner. And then I realized, she is here and I am pushing her away. It's just really hard to not obsess about it. I become fixated on one thing (wonder where my son gets it), and have a hard time letting it go. I need to stop that. So now, my new mantra is one day at a time. Some days may be good. Some may be bad. But, I need to give us both space away from this. To let her truly know that I am alright. For her not to feel that she is being...
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Unconditionally

Things have been getting better. My wife and I have been talking more, and reconnecting again. Meanwhile, I've dropped close to 30 pounds in 3 weeks. Not really healthy. I have been having recurring dreams where I have been basically reliving the events of a few weeks ago. Typically I can get past them; clear my mind and remember that things are okay. But every now and then I get inexplicably sad. The hurt from that time returns and overwhelms me. I feel the tear in my heart, and my lack of confidence begins to resurface. I just want to go back to before that. When we would call each other's name during our "alone time"; when we would worship each other with 100% of ourselves. I know it takes time, but right now is the time when I need to feel... well... worshiped. I need to feel special. Now, she has apologized, and so have I. I forgive her, but the words that were said still hurt. The thing is that I love her. I have never put conditions on her, and I don...
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