Growing Up Dad

I feel like I am the worst person in the world. I don't feel deserving of any thing that I have or that I have accomplished, and in the meantime there are those around me looking up at me to be positive light in the group. Sometimes it's too much to bear. Just one of those days.

I feel alone. I have no friends, at least any that I see on a regular basis. There is no one for me to talk to, and it drives me nuts. I spend so much time trying to take care of everyone's needs that mine get put on hold. I need to be more forceful in seeing that my needs are met, but how do I do that ... diplomatically. My life has been thrust into turmoil. Things appear to get better, but the one thing I haven't heard yet is that "your needs are just as important as mine, and I will be here for you." Maybe, it has been unspoken. Maybe I am supposed to assume that it was implied, but I need to hear it. I need to feel it. I need to know that my feelings are just as important as those around me. I can't be selfless all the time. I can't just expect people to see me and lend their comfort to me. I feel like I am in solitary confinement. Where do I go?

It's been a long few weeks. Some good things have happened (actually, many good things have happened), and some bad things (though looking back now appear minor in scale). The main thing I have learned is that I need to let go. Mainly, let go of my anxiety, and I have a lot. Money, kids, self, marriage, work, career, time all cloud my head. It's a heavy burden when you are the main bread winner to be everything to everyone. That said, I am starting to feel more secure in my relationship. I think we are on a better path. I just hope she knows how much I love her, and how much I just want to wrap her in my arms and fight the demons away. Even for a moment.

My love, I am very angry right now. I am working on dealing with my anger. I ask only that you help me.

There is a sense of normalcy creeping back into my life. A sense of comfort and stability that I, to be honest, thought had vanished. My wife and I have started connecting again. Oddly, we have been connecting through music. We have both heard each other play and sing, but in our eleven years of knowing each other we have never actually played together. Weird, huh? My wife got the idea of recording a bunch of songs she wrote back in college, and I have been playing bass along side her as she works out arrangements. It has been fun. It's not the kind of music I would typically play, but it's good to break out of my comfort zone. I still get to play my upright, and on occasion I have been breaking out my ukelele. We've been talking about the events that transpired, and I think the music is helping us rekindle those parts of ourselves that we thought we lost. Here's to a new chapter, and a clean slate.

Things have been getting better. My wife and I have been talking more, and reconnecting again. Meanwhile, I've dropped close to 30 pounds in 3 weeks. Not really healthy. I have been having recurring dreams where I have been basically reliving the events of a few weeks ago. Typically I can get past them; clear my mind and remember that things are okay. But every now and then I get inexplicably sad. The hurt from that time returns and overwhelms me. I feel the tear in my heart, and my lack of confidence begins to resurface. I just want to go back to before that. When we would call each other's name during our "alone time"; when we would worship each other with 100% of ourselves. I know it takes time, but right now is the time when I need to feel... well... worshiped. I need to feel special. Now, she has apologized, and so have I. I forgive her, but the words that were said still hurt. The thing is that I love her. I have never put conditions on her, and I don...

This isn't something I do too often. That is to say, really relax. Oh I vegetate, but I don't really relax. I don't try to enjoy the calm and quiet around me. Instead I try to fill it up with noise and numb myself to the outside world. Tonight, I did some work, took a bath, read a little, listened to some Mozart, and now I am here... relaxed. Comfortable, waiting for my sweet to come home. Waiting for a kiss from my love. For now, I need to meditate and refocus myself.