I am trying, and we will make it through
This has been one of the worst weeks of my life. I just need to vent because this is too much, and if I don't let it out it just eats away at me.
We had gotten back to a point in our relationship where we were playing again. Using each other to escape. And then... the shoe dropped.
I'm shaken, I'm shocked, I'm shattered. I'm hurt.
It's hard to recover from something like this. So much of my confidence is tied into my relationship, and when the relationship starts to have problems my first thoughts are "What am I not doing right?"
It's hard to rebuild trust when something like this happens. It takes a lot out of you just to put yourself out there again. However, you have to be willing to trust again. You have to remind yourself that "she is still here." No matter how much you are hurting, you have to remember that what happened was in the past even if the past were mere weeks before.
I felt like that happy spot that I had just rediscovered had been ripped away. I felt like my heart, which I gave, was trampled on. But dwelling on those emotions do not repair bridges, or mend heartache, or re instill trust. Instead, they create a poison. They focus on the part instead of the whole. They don't help the other person heal themself, and increases the divide between partners.
But through this whole mess, I am not hearing "What can I do?" Instead, I am hearing "What can you do?", or more"You need to do this." I need to be light, less serious, more spontaneous. That is a lot to ask of me right now. And most of all, I don't feel like I can really ask for anything in return.
This is the part that I am having real trouble with. Not the deceit, not the betrayal, but the pressure. I feel like I am being asked to take on more in all of this than I can bear. There is nothing that I can ask for that will take this pain away. There is no revenge that I could exact that would not end in the issuance of more suffering. All I can do is move on from this moment.
Old wounds seem to be healed, while the new ones sit on my heart like fresh cuts. However, in all of this, I have learned that wounds heal, scars fade, and relationships are mended. Trust can, and should, be rebuilt, and I need to remember that the worst is behind us as long as we remember who the other is.
I'm not saying that I am not willing to do all of the things asked of me. I am just wanting to know if that pressure on me is acknowledged, is appreciated, is reciprocated.
I don't want to ask anything of anyone in all of this but to love me. Be the light one for me when I look like the world is crashing in on me. Seduce me when I need it. Take away my serious side. Talk to me. Flirt with me. Reconnect with me.
This all won't take a day, or a week, or month, but it will eventually get us back to where we need to be. We can either suffer alone, or use this moment - right now - to make a better lives for ourselves together.
When she suffers, I suffer and likewise the reverse is true. I just need to know that it's going to be okay. It's hard to have to be the light one all the time. It's hard to be the one that initiates the seduction. She, in all fairness, has been initiating more. Giving me hints. Flirting with me.
Right now, we are just both sad. It is so hard to watch her go through this. To see the guilt on her face. I just want to let her know that it is all right. That I forgive her.We all make mistakes, and I forgive her. I can't help but forgive her, even when she will not forgive herself. But at the same time, I want to scream. I want to yell. I want to just let out all this rage I have inside. Not to spite her. Not to hurt her. Just to let it go. Just so I know that there is a place for me to let it all out.
I'm starting to move on now. I am a bit chipper today. It may not be a good day tomorrow, but that's okay. I've earned these emotions - no matter how conflicting they may be.
That is not to say that things aren't going to change, or need to change. In order to regain trust in a person, you have to give trust. However, the other person must still earn that trust back. There has got to be some give and take. It cannot always be "I'm still here, just be happy with that." There has to be some gesture, some phrase, that is freely given.
I just want to hear "I want to earn your trust again", "I give you my heart from here on out", "I'm so sorry I hurt you, but it will be okay and I will do whatever it takes to keep us together." These are all implied when she says "I love you", but it would be very comforting to hear now that the hurt is starting to subside. It would just mean so much to me to hear, but I cannot ask her to say these things until she is ready.
Most of all, I want something written about me. I just want to know that I am appreciated. It would be so comforting right now. A poem, a letter. Anything that is her way to say that I am worth it.
That all said. As I am writing this, I feel a huge weight being lifted off of my shoulders. I just have to hold onto that.
We had gotten back to a point in our relationship where we were playing again. Using each other to escape. And then... the shoe dropped.
I'm shaken, I'm shocked, I'm shattered. I'm hurt.
It's hard to recover from something like this. So much of my confidence is tied into my relationship, and when the relationship starts to have problems my first thoughts are "What am I not doing right?"
It's hard to rebuild trust when something like this happens. It takes a lot out of you just to put yourself out there again. However, you have to be willing to trust again. You have to remind yourself that "she is still here." No matter how much you are hurting, you have to remember that what happened was in the past even if the past were mere weeks before.
I felt like that happy spot that I had just rediscovered had been ripped away. I felt like my heart, which I gave, was trampled on. But dwelling on those emotions do not repair bridges, or mend heartache, or re instill trust. Instead, they create a poison. They focus on the part instead of the whole. They don't help the other person heal themself, and increases the divide between partners.
But through this whole mess, I am not hearing "What can I do?" Instead, I am hearing "What can you do?", or more"You need to do this." I need to be light, less serious, more spontaneous. That is a lot to ask of me right now. And most of all, I don't feel like I can really ask for anything in return.
This is the part that I am having real trouble with. Not the deceit, not the betrayal, but the pressure. I feel like I am being asked to take on more in all of this than I can bear. There is nothing that I can ask for that will take this pain away. There is no revenge that I could exact that would not end in the issuance of more suffering. All I can do is move on from this moment.
Old wounds seem to be healed, while the new ones sit on my heart like fresh cuts. However, in all of this, I have learned that wounds heal, scars fade, and relationships are mended. Trust can, and should, be rebuilt, and I need to remember that the worst is behind us as long as we remember who the other is.
I'm not saying that I am not willing to do all of the things asked of me. I am just wanting to know if that pressure on me is acknowledged, is appreciated, is reciprocated.
I don't want to ask anything of anyone in all of this but to love me. Be the light one for me when I look like the world is crashing in on me. Seduce me when I need it. Take away my serious side. Talk to me. Flirt with me. Reconnect with me.
This all won't take a day, or a week, or month, but it will eventually get us back to where we need to be. We can either suffer alone, or use this moment - right now - to make a better lives for ourselves together.
When she suffers, I suffer and likewise the reverse is true. I just need to know that it's going to be okay. It's hard to have to be the light one all the time. It's hard to be the one that initiates the seduction. She, in all fairness, has been initiating more. Giving me hints. Flirting with me.
Right now, we are just both sad. It is so hard to watch her go through this. To see the guilt on her face. I just want to let her know that it is all right. That I forgive her.We all make mistakes, and I forgive her. I can't help but forgive her, even when she will not forgive herself. But at the same time, I want to scream. I want to yell. I want to just let out all this rage I have inside. Not to spite her. Not to hurt her. Just to let it go. Just so I know that there is a place for me to let it all out.
I'm starting to move on now. I am a bit chipper today. It may not be a good day tomorrow, but that's okay. I've earned these emotions - no matter how conflicting they may be.
That is not to say that things aren't going to change, or need to change. In order to regain trust in a person, you have to give trust. However, the other person must still earn that trust back. There has got to be some give and take. It cannot always be "I'm still here, just be happy with that." There has to be some gesture, some phrase, that is freely given.
I just want to hear "I want to earn your trust again", "I give you my heart from here on out", "I'm so sorry I hurt you, but it will be okay and I will do whatever it takes to keep us together." These are all implied when she says "I love you", but it would be very comforting to hear now that the hurt is starting to subside. It would just mean so much to me to hear, but I cannot ask her to say these things until she is ready.
Most of all, I want something written about me. I just want to know that I am appreciated. It would be so comforting right now. A poem, a letter. Anything that is her way to say that I am worth it.
That all said. As I am writing this, I feel a huge weight being lifted off of my shoulders. I just have to hold onto that.