Morning not Mourning
I am trying to move forward. I really am.
It is not easy to deal with things like this, and yet the world is not going to stop to let me have my moment.
My heart needs to heal, but I feel like I am so alone in it. When it comes to feelings like this, I feel I have to write them down. I don't care who reads it. I just need to get it out.
She said something last night that let me know it was going to be alright. We were discussing my nephew, her sister's son, and how my son wanted to know if he would be at my Mother-in-law's. My wife said, "No. He is going to be with his dad this weekend." My sister-in-law and my nephew's father have been separated for years - before we ever had children. My son asked why, and my wife had to explain what divorce was. How some mommy's and daddy's just can't get along or live with each other.
She then said something that floored me. Actually, I had to hold back tears (something I am not really good at). She looked at me and said "We are better together than we are apart." I am not sure why this had such an affect on me. Maybe it was the exact thing that I needed to hear at the time.
I truly believe that. My world has been only made better by her being in it. She has given me two wonderful sons. She opened my world to many possibilities.
But there is still anger. It's gone some days. It's back others. But this anger, I think, is me being selfish. Me wanting something that she is probably trying to give to me. I know she wishes she could take it all back. I just want to forget, and pretend that the last few weeks never happened. I want to move on with this, and be a stronger person for it.
Most of all, I want her. I am much better with her than without her. I think I am just expecting to much of myself, and in doing so expecting too much from her.
It's hard to look at her and hide the hurt in my eyes as I think it is hard for her to look at me with eyes filled with "I am sorry". We are both hurting. Each in our own way. But yet if we, if I, dwell on this hurt. Let my anger get the best of me. If I let my selfish desires take over, I will wind up hurting the one person in this world who has made all of the difference to me.
It's not easy though. When you are in this situation, it is easy to let the obsessive impulses take over. It's hard not to.
But we are better together than we apart. We are good partners, best friends, awesome lovers, and well-meaning parents. She is my best friend. She is important to me.
It is not easy to deal with things like this, and yet the world is not going to stop to let me have my moment.
My heart needs to heal, but I feel like I am so alone in it. When it comes to feelings like this, I feel I have to write them down. I don't care who reads it. I just need to get it out.
She said something last night that let me know it was going to be alright. We were discussing my nephew, her sister's son, and how my son wanted to know if he would be at my Mother-in-law's. My wife said, "No. He is going to be with his dad this weekend." My sister-in-law and my nephew's father have been separated for years - before we ever had children. My son asked why, and my wife had to explain what divorce was. How some mommy's and daddy's just can't get along or live with each other.
She then said something that floored me. Actually, I had to hold back tears (something I am not really good at). She looked at me and said "We are better together than we are apart." I am not sure why this had such an affect on me. Maybe it was the exact thing that I needed to hear at the time.
I truly believe that. My world has been only made better by her being in it. She has given me two wonderful sons. She opened my world to many possibilities.
But there is still anger. It's gone some days. It's back others. But this anger, I think, is me being selfish. Me wanting something that she is probably trying to give to me. I know she wishes she could take it all back. I just want to forget, and pretend that the last few weeks never happened. I want to move on with this, and be a stronger person for it.
Most of all, I want her. I am much better with her than without her. I think I am just expecting to much of myself, and in doing so expecting too much from her.
It's hard to look at her and hide the hurt in my eyes as I think it is hard for her to look at me with eyes filled with "I am sorry". We are both hurting. Each in our own way. But yet if we, if I, dwell on this hurt. Let my anger get the best of me. If I let my selfish desires take over, I will wind up hurting the one person in this world who has made all of the difference to me.
It's not easy though. When you are in this situation, it is easy to let the obsessive impulses take over. It's hard not to.
But we are better together than we apart. We are good partners, best friends, awesome lovers, and well-meaning parents. She is my best friend. She is important to me.