Growing Up Dad

I feel like I am the worst person in the world. I don't feel deserving of any thing that I have or that I have accomplished, and in the meantime there are those around me looking up at me to be positive light in the group. Sometimes it's too much to bear. Just one of those days.

I feel alone. I have no friends, at least any that I see on a regular basis. There is no one for me to talk to, and it drives me nuts. I spend so much time trying to take care of everyone's needs that mine get put on hold. I need to be more forceful in seeing that my needs are met, but how do I do that ... diplomatically. My life has been thrust into turmoil. Things appear to get better, but the one thing I haven't heard yet is that "your needs are just as important as mine, and I will be here for you." Maybe, it has been unspoken. Maybe I am supposed to assume that it was implied, but I need to hear it. I need to feel it. I need to know that my feelings are just as important as those around me. I can't be selfless all the time. I can't just expect people to see me and lend their comfort to me. I feel like I am in solitary confinement. Where do I go?

It's been a long few weeks. Some good things have happened (actually, many good things have happened), and some bad things (though looking back now appear minor in scale). The main thing I have learned is that I need to let go. Mainly, let go of my anxiety, and I have a lot. Money, kids, self, marriage, work, career, time all cloud my head. It's a heavy burden when you are the main bread winner to be everything to everyone. That said, I am starting to feel more secure in my relationship. I think we are on a better path. I just hope she knows how much I love her, and how much I just want to wrap her in my arms and fight the demons away. Even for a moment.