Oh Friedrich, you sneaky bastard...
It's not easy facing your worse fears.
I recently experienced what I can only call the worst week of my life. My wife and I almost split up, and just the memory of what was said has shaken me to my core. I feel like my security in life, my faith in those around me was seriously tested.
However as Nietzche said, "Whatever does not kill us, only makes us stronger." The funny thing is that right now I don't feel very strong. In fact, I feel quite the opposite. I feel weak, helpless, unsure of myself, and for the first time I am truly petrified of what the future might bring. I feel like the rug has been swept out from under me, and I am having a hard time catching myself on the dining room table.
Without getting into too much detail, my wife and I had probably had the biggest fight of our lives. Now, we don't really fight. We never have. I tend to stray from conflict. Instead, I don the jester's cap and prance around the king like a damn fool. I hide behind laughter and merriment. However, I never realized that my wife probably needed me to fight with her. She needed me to be forthcoming, and not stray from the conflict. She needed me to "man-up", as a friend so eloquently said, and argue with her honestly and openly. It's hard for me because even though I wear my heart on my sleeve, I tend to shut down emotionally when confronted with a problem. That is not fair to her.
There is also the matter of finances. She tends to be more economically savvy where as I tend to be more aloof. This is probably the single most biggest problem that we have. I mean there are other problems, but this one is the worse for us. She is dilligent, practical, steadfast, and stoic. I am usually the opposite when it comes to money. I'm impulsive, and sometimes irresponsible.
However, out of all of that we still love each other. We drive each other crazy, we get angry at each other, and sometimes we have times when we don't want to even be in the same room. But we still love each other. We still make love frequently. We still find each other attractive, and we still 'get' each other -- no matter how hard that can be sometimes. Most of all, we are patient with each other. Maybe too patient sometimes, but patient nonetheless.
The hardest part for me to face was how sharply everything came into focus. I realized that it wasn't too late for me to change my ways, and to finally grow up. I've always been a hard worker, and at one time I was even driven, but lately I have settled into life as is. I gave up a piece of myself and instead tried filling it with things that didn't really matter. I allowed myself to get stretched so thin that I began to lose my drive, my umph, and myself. Instead of excelling at what I did best, I withdrew from it. And because of this I almost lost the one person that matters more to me than myself.
To be honest, I am scared. I am scared for my future, for my children's future, and for our families future. I'm worried that I have let things go on for too long, but I am hopeful that it can be corrected. I can only change the way I am now and not try to make up for the past 11years. But more importantly, I have to give this time. I have to let our high emotions run their course. I can't think of this problem as something that can be fixed with a change of clothes, new cologne, or other pleasantries -- though I want to do all those things now.
We both have been living with our own depression -- our ow feeling of inadequacy, but I don't think we stopped loving each other. I think we forgot to take time out of our day and say "Hey! How are you?"
I was angry for a time. I was temporarily heartbroken, but I am now beginning to see it for what it is. A time to change and grow up.
So maybe in that, I am stronger for it. I just hope I live up to my new expectations.
For a while, I expect that my future posts may be more rambling than anything useful or coherent. For now, I am growing up a dad.
I recently experienced what I can only call the worst week of my life. My wife and I almost split up, and just the memory of what was said has shaken me to my core. I feel like my security in life, my faith in those around me was seriously tested.
However as Nietzche said, "Whatever does not kill us, only makes us stronger." The funny thing is that right now I don't feel very strong. In fact, I feel quite the opposite. I feel weak, helpless, unsure of myself, and for the first time I am truly petrified of what the future might bring. I feel like the rug has been swept out from under me, and I am having a hard time catching myself on the dining room table.
Without getting into too much detail, my wife and I had probably had the biggest fight of our lives. Now, we don't really fight. We never have. I tend to stray from conflict. Instead, I don the jester's cap and prance around the king like a damn fool. I hide behind laughter and merriment. However, I never realized that my wife probably needed me to fight with her. She needed me to be forthcoming, and not stray from the conflict. She needed me to "man-up", as a friend so eloquently said, and argue with her honestly and openly. It's hard for me because even though I wear my heart on my sleeve, I tend to shut down emotionally when confronted with a problem. That is not fair to her.
There is also the matter of finances. She tends to be more economically savvy where as I tend to be more aloof. This is probably the single most biggest problem that we have. I mean there are other problems, but this one is the worse for us. She is dilligent, practical, steadfast, and stoic. I am usually the opposite when it comes to money. I'm impulsive, and sometimes irresponsible.
However, out of all of that we still love each other. We drive each other crazy, we get angry at each other, and sometimes we have times when we don't want to even be in the same room. But we still love each other. We still make love frequently. We still find each other attractive, and we still 'get' each other -- no matter how hard that can be sometimes. Most of all, we are patient with each other. Maybe too patient sometimes, but patient nonetheless.
The hardest part for me to face was how sharply everything came into focus. I realized that it wasn't too late for me to change my ways, and to finally grow up. I've always been a hard worker, and at one time I was even driven, but lately I have settled into life as is. I gave up a piece of myself and instead tried filling it with things that didn't really matter. I allowed myself to get stretched so thin that I began to lose my drive, my umph, and myself. Instead of excelling at what I did best, I withdrew from it. And because of this I almost lost the one person that matters more to me than myself.
To be honest, I am scared. I am scared for my future, for my children's future, and for our families future. I'm worried that I have let things go on for too long, but I am hopeful that it can be corrected. I can only change the way I am now and not try to make up for the past 11years. But more importantly, I have to give this time. I have to let our high emotions run their course. I can't think of this problem as something that can be fixed with a change of clothes, new cologne, or other pleasantries -- though I want to do all those things now.
We both have been living with our own depression -- our ow feeling of inadequacy, but I don't think we stopped loving each other. I think we forgot to take time out of our day and say "Hey! How are you?"
I was angry for a time. I was temporarily heartbroken, but I am now beginning to see it for what it is. A time to change and grow up.
So maybe in that, I am stronger for it. I just hope I live up to my new expectations.
For a while, I expect that my future posts may be more rambling than anything useful or coherent. For now, I am growing up a dad.