Wiping the slate clean
The Good Lady Doctor, aka my wife, recently reminded me of something that filled me with hope for the day. She sent me Shakespeare's Sonnet 116.
I never really got this until now. I mean, I understood the sonnet intellectually. I just never felt it. I have never been in a situation where I was tested like this. I have never found myself this shaken before. But, I can't let this situation undo me. It's still fresh in my mind and I just want to run, but I can't. I have to face it everyday. I have to forgive all of those involved, but how do I do that without sacrificing my pain. I just want to stop feeling like this. It has only been a few days, but I want this feeling to end.
But, I can't force it. I guess I'm expecting too much from myself, and I am pushing those that I need close to me away because of it. It's not going to be easy, but I need to try to relax. I need to pour my heart out in more positive ways than to give into my negative feelings. I can't just bottle them up - close myself off, but maybe I can just take each day one day at a time.
But how do I do it? How can I just simply wipe the slate clean. I know it's the right thing to do, I know I need to forgive. The thing is I just want to forget. I want to get rid of the past 10+ days. I want to scream, kick, cry, wail, mourn, shout, and just throw my hands up in the air. I want to climb up to the mountain top and scream "You wronged me, World. You promised me everything would be okay. But this is not okay."
Maybe that is where therapy will help. Maybe if I try to get through each day piece by piece, and use therapy as my sounding board I can get through this. For some reason, I feel like I am going through this alone. We are each in our own private torment only I haven't the self control to keep mine so private.
I definitely need to get away from the situation. I need to be somewhere else for a couple of days. Remove myself from here, and take refuge somewhere else. My kids need it. My wife needs. More importantly, I need it. I need to find some way to release this anger before it consumes me. I have never felt like this before in my life, and I just want it to go away - even just for a weekend.
Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Admit impediments. Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no! it is an ever-fixed mark
That looks on tempests and is never shaken;
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.
Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Within his bending sickle's compass come:
Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,
But bears it out even to the edge of doom.
If this be error and upon me proved,
I never writ, nor no man ever loved.
I never really got this until now. I mean, I understood the sonnet intellectually. I just never felt it. I have never been in a situation where I was tested like this. I have never found myself this shaken before. But, I can't let this situation undo me. It's still fresh in my mind and I just want to run, but I can't. I have to face it everyday. I have to forgive all of those involved, but how do I do that without sacrificing my pain. I just want to stop feeling like this. It has only been a few days, but I want this feeling to end.
But, I can't force it. I guess I'm expecting too much from myself, and I am pushing those that I need close to me away because of it. It's not going to be easy, but I need to try to relax. I need to pour my heart out in more positive ways than to give into my negative feelings. I can't just bottle them up - close myself off, but maybe I can just take each day one day at a time.
But how do I do it? How can I just simply wipe the slate clean. I know it's the right thing to do, I know I need to forgive. The thing is I just want to forget. I want to get rid of the past 10+ days. I want to scream, kick, cry, wail, mourn, shout, and just throw my hands up in the air. I want to climb up to the mountain top and scream "You wronged me, World. You promised me everything would be okay. But this is not okay."
Maybe that is where therapy will help. Maybe if I try to get through each day piece by piece, and use therapy as my sounding board I can get through this. For some reason, I feel like I am going through this alone. We are each in our own private torment only I haven't the self control to keep mine so private.
I definitely need to get away from the situation. I need to be somewhere else for a couple of days. Remove myself from here, and take refuge somewhere else. My kids need it. My wife needs. More importantly, I need it. I need to find some way to release this anger before it consumes me. I have never felt like this before in my life, and I just want it to go away - even just for a weekend.