The truth is

Sometimes I feel more alone when I am in a room full of people.

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I am trying, and we will make it through

This has been one of the worst weeks of my life. I just need to vent because this is too much, and if I don't let it out it just eats away at me. We had gotten back to a point in our relationship where we were playing again. Using each other to escape. And then... the shoe dropped. I'm shaken, I'm shocked, I'm shattered. I'm hurt. It's hard to recover from something like this. So much of my confidence is tied into my relationship, and when the relationship starts to have problems my first thoughts are "What am I not doing right?" It's hard to rebuild trust when something like this happens. It takes a lot out of you just to put yourself out there again. However, you have to be willing to trust again. You have to remind yourself that "she is still here." No matter how much you are hurting, you have to remember that what happened was in the past even if the past were mere weeks before. I felt like that happy spot that I had just re
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Unconditionally

Things have been getting better. My wife and I have been talking more, and reconnecting again. Meanwhile, I've dropped close to 30 pounds in 3 weeks. Not really healthy. I have been having recurring dreams where I have been basically reliving the events of a few weeks ago. Typically I can get past them; clear my mind and remember that things are okay. But every now and then I get inexplicably sad. The hurt from that time returns and overwhelms me. I feel the tear in my heart, and my lack of confidence begins to resurface. I just want to go back to before that. When we would call each other's name during our "alone time"; when we would worship each other with 100% of ourselves. I know it takes time, but right now is the time when I need to feel... well... worshiped. I need to feel special. Now, she has apologized, and so have I. I forgive her, but the words that were said still hurt. The thing is that I love her. I have never put conditions on her, and I don
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Just a missive

Pardon the pity party, but I don't know if I'll make it to 2015. I don't know how many will even notice. I'm tired of being the work mule. I am tired of having to put myself aside and wait for everyone else around me. I am tired of being the one to keep the house running only to have no time, energy, or resources to work on my projects. I have a garage piling high in recycling because it's too cold to go out there and sort it. I have boxes of Christmas decorations in the hall waiting to be put away. Only thing is that I need to clean up the garage to get them out there. The kids beds need to be changed, meaning I have mattresses to move. Guess who is in charge of scheduling that? Me. I have a kitchen to clean, constantly. I have dinners to make because I need to start eating better. The problem is, that I will need to make several dinners because I am sure no one will eat what I need to eat. I have laundry to wash or else no one will have clean clothes. I ha
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