Growing Up Dad

I am about to lose it. I'm done. I have had it. I am not happy, and I am tired of having to be all the time. I'm a failure. 100% pure failure. I can't take it anymore. I am tired of being taken advantage of. I am tired of trusting people. I am tired of expecting people to do the right thing, and always being let down. I am done.

Pardon the pity party, but I don't know if I'll make it to 2015. I don't know how many will even notice. I'm tired of being the work mule. I am tired of having to put myself aside and wait for everyone else around me. I am tired of being the one to keep the house running only to have no time, energy, or resources to work on my projects. I have a garage piling high in recycling because it's too cold to go out there and sort it. I have boxes of Christmas decorations in the hall waiting to be put away. Only thing is that I need to clean up the garage to get them out there. The kids beds need to be changed, meaning I have mattresses to move. Guess who is in charge of scheduling that? Me. I have a kitchen to clean, constantly. I have dinners to make because I need to start eating better. The problem is, that I will need to make several dinners because I am sure no one will eat what I need to eat. I have laundry to wash or else no one will have clean clothes. I ha...

What am I looking forward to in 2014? If the last 2 days were any sign, then nothing. The last 2 days have just sucked. I'm almost ready to throw in the towel.

Sometimes I feel more alone when I am in a room full of people.

I've realized that all of my life people generally think I have no clue of what I am talking about, and then they are floored when something I say or do proves correct. I spend the majority of time having to prove myself. For once I want to hear someone say, "let's do it your way." without hesitation. Instead, I get "I do believe in you, it's just that you are wrong."

I don't think I can do anything right. The majority of the time I feel like a failure trying to fumble his way through just day to day stuff. I don't even know where to start.

Don't know how I feel about it. No fanfare. No kids waking up in excitement. Just everybody wanting to do their own thing, and the only card is from my Mother in law. Just another day. Oh well. Just once I want to feel like the world's greatest dad instead of the world's greatest work mule.

It's been a while since I posted anything. There has been a lot to do with work, and with the family, and with my own relationship issues that I have just not felt like writing. However, all of these things have made look at myself at my own failings, and what I need to do to change them. We've been in a rut. We haven't been enjoying ourselves. I think a lot of that has been to financial pressure, but I also think I let my depression get in the way of a lot of my happiness. I haven't dealt with my depression very well. In fact, I usually ignore it. I have other people to take care of. People who need me to be strong, alert, confident, and a provider. The problem is that when you don't deal properly with your depression, it becomes harder to let go of it when you finally realize that you need to. My wife has been an excellent partner - more than she thinks she has. She has been there when I have needed her, and she has taught me a lot about myself. How I can ...

I am trying to take everything now one day at a time. It's hard. My biggest failure, I think, is that I feel like am not doing enough. I overwhelm myself with all these external tasks, and don't take time for myself. The best way for me to recharge is to just be alone. We, or I, tried to talked last night, and she said that she didn't want to talk about it. I realized, that I really didn't want to either. I've said my peace. Now she needs to come to me when she's ready. What I want is my friend back? My companion. My partner. And then I realized, she is here and I am pushing her away. It's just really hard to not obsess about it. I become fixated on one thing (wonder where my son gets it), and have a hard time letting it go. I need to stop that. So now, my new mantra is one day at a time. Some days may be good. Some may be bad. But, I need to give us both space away from this. To let her truly know that I am alright. For her not to feel that she is being...

I need to get off my duff. It's probably my worst trait. I start getting motivated I get going on a project. I get part way through it, aaaaand... I stop. My momentum gets derailed. There are a number of reason why I stop, but once I stop I find it difficult to get the motivation going again. The project atrophies, and eventually becomes a dusty trophy on the "look what you didn't do with your life" shelf.   I need to stop this. I need some sort of inspiration, or motivational project. I am thinking of coming up with a personal design challenge. Something that says "Do something, Silly." Now lately, I have been tired and trying to take care of my emotional well-being, but I am at a point where I need to start doing something with my life again. Something that will make a difference. If not to the world, then to my family. They need a happy daddy, and a happy daddy is a creative daddy. So I have a list of things that I want to do: Take some time onc...

I've made it my goal this week to put everything in the past and to give everyone, including myself, a clean slate. I'm trying not to talk about things that are in the past as much. Instead I am focusing on what is happening to me right now. I am trying to remember that there is goodness all around me, that I am fortunate to have what I have been given, and that I can decide the course of my own happiness. Part of that is being there for my companion. I know when she's upset. I know when things are bothering her. I know when she's stressed out, and right now she needs normalcy. At the same time, I want her to know that she can talk to me whenever anything is bothering her, and I do mean anything. We can only get through our problems if we work with each other instead of against of each other, which I think I am guilty of doing. So hopefully, we can give each other the space, the time, and the clean slates that we both need. I know we can, and we are stronger for i...

I feel awesome. I feel rested, secure, focused, calm, and I host of other things. I am not sure if it's the new meds, the sleep, the vacation, or the fact that I feel like I am where I need to be. I am even feel excited about my job, which I haven't really since I started. The point is that I feel good today, and I really want to keep this feeling going. I know that not every day will be like today, but it's great to not feel anxious. I really feel relaxed, and overjoyed. I've also learned a lot about myself. I am a lot stronger than I think I am, and I need to take care of myself. I've just been accustomed to taking care of others first, and push my own needs away. This has caused a problem in my relationships because my not taking care of myself turned into excessive neediness and anxiety, which in turn has been a strain on my relationship. Especially with my wife. I really can't be mad anymore, or sad, or hurt. In fact, for now... I am not any of thes...

Where flying home today. I can't wait to get home and hug my boys. I miss them terribly. I guess that's what's getting me a little down today. Missing my boys. I'm also struggling with this new medication and my brain begins to adjust to the new chemicals. It's hard because I can't say exactly why I am sad. It's a multitude of reasons, and yet there is no reason at all. I'm emotionally wiped out, but nothing bad happened to cause that. In fact, quite the contrary. We had a wonderful day yesterday. We walked, saw a play, had dinner, had drinks, snuggled, and played. I think I am just wiped out from the excursion that I want to just coast on auto pilot. Once I get on the plane, I think I am going to close my eyes. Give my brain a little rest. Who knows, maybe I'll get a little close to my wife and rest my head on her shoulder. I am sure she will hate that, but it'll be comforting to just feel the warmth of being as I doze off. It tends to be ...

It's weird. I have only been on this medication for a couple of days. I think I am doing a bit better on one than the other. Boston is nice, I am actually quite relaxed. I feel much more emotionally centered and not so clingy, which is good, and I am able to enjoy it more. Some things have been said, and though they hurt I know they were not meant to. I feel really good. She is worried that I am depressed, but I think it's just that I am relaxed and maybe a little ... emotionally numb? It's like I am here in the present, and can see things for what they are. I kinda miss my everyday jovial self, but since that self has been hidden away I think it could use some time off to just let go and enjoy. Incidents of the past are clearer now. I am okay with where things are going, it's just that I feel a little numbness. I guess that's okay. I mean, I need the pedulum to reach equilibrium for a little while before it starts swinging again. Either way, I feel ... good...

I'll have some time by myself. I'll have some time alone with her. Most of all, I'll have some time to relax. I am looking forward to it.

I'm going to go out with a friend from work. What I really want to do is come home and cry. I really don't know why I am so sad right now. Maybe it's just residual depression. I am seeing a doctor this Wednesday, and may be put on meds. I'm just tired. I just wanna collapse in her arms, and her say this will never happen again. Just to hear her say "You're too important to me to hurt you again. I promise that I will make it up to you." I'm sure she's trying to tell me in her own way. I just wish I could shake this depression. I will someday. I do have Boston to look forward to after all.

She is. I can't help. I can't deny it. I can't make it go away. I can either be happy with her, or I can be miserable without her. I am better with her then I am without her. It doesn't matter what happens. That was the past. It would be no different than her life before me. It's hard, but it will get better.

I just have to let her. I need to remember that I need her to come to me. I took my ring off. It was a big deal for me. My ring is the one thing that I do not wish to part with, but I felt that I needed to take it off. It was like I ripped a major part of myself off. I felt good for a little while, but now I am starting to miss it. I will more than likely put it back on when I get home today. In fact, I am planning on it. I meant to do it this morning, but I felt that I needed one more day to let go. I've really needed to let go, and it's hard. Much harder than I thought it would be. I don't think she'll ever understand. To hear, these types of events are just "forget 'em and move on". For me, they are more. It almost destroyed my family. It's just simply going to be a long time when I can go a whole day without crying.

I didn't sleep much last night. It actually was from heartburn, and not my current slate of problems. However, today I am dealing with sadness and anger and betrayal and everything all at once. I feel so overwhelmed today. I know it is mostly due to a lack of sleep. It seems that when I do sleep I have a pretty good day the following morning. When I have a bad sleeping night, I don't do to well. I can't eat, I can't smile, I can't enjoy my kids. Everything I do is forced. I hope to get a nap at some point today. That may help. At some point, I know we will have to talk about my feelings this today, but for now I just want them to go away.